tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81070968548327319472024-02-20T07:35:28.810-08:00Your Mother's TitsAubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-59586409156416882002011-01-27T21:09:00.001-08:002011-01-27T21:16:43.715-08:00Hotel lifeSo I get into my hotel room after work, and I notice that the fucking maids moved my ketchup packets from the left side of the table, all the way to the right side which is bullshit. If I wanted the packets on the right I would have put them there. Then I look over at the bed and there's four fucking pillows!? Like what the fuck ? Do I look like I have 4 fucking heads ??<br /><br />thinking about changing hotels.Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-12697835000777748852010-03-22T07:09:00.000-07:002010-03-22T08:20:55.082-07:00Santa takes er GreyhoundTwas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse, because Santa bought a bunch of mouse traps and got rid of most of them.<br /><br />Meanwhile at the greyhound bus station, Santa is at the ticket booth...<br /><br />Santa - " I would like a ticket for each town "<br /><br />Ticket Attendant - " Excuse me sir ticket for where? Where are you going?"<br /><br />Santa - "Every town I said. What do you think I just wear this stupid suit and beard for nothing ? I'm Santa for Christ sakes<br />I have to deliver gifts to every fucking house tonight. "<br /><br />Ticket Attendant - " OK ...? Don't you have a sleigh for that ?<br /><br />Santa " Do I look like I have a fucking sleigh to you?? I had a sleigh until Rudolf got piss loaded drunk last night, guided the sleigh into a telephone pole, and got<br />a DUI.<br /><br />Ticket Attendant - " Well can't you get Donner or Blitzen to guide the sleigh tonight ?"<br /><br />Santa - "Donner is the only other reindeer with a class 3 license and he knocked up some elk and ran away to Alaska."<br /><br />The ticket attendant glanced past Santa and noticed his sky high pile of bags.<br /><br />Ticket Attendant - " I'm sorry Mr Santa but we don't have room for all those bags on our buses."<br /><br />Santa - " Listen lady do you know what it takes to make these gifts? Everyone thinks elves just work for free like on the movies, well that's bullshit. I have to feed them, house them, and listen to their annoying squeaky voices. I do all this just to give the world all free shit for no apparent reason, and now you won't let me on your bus?"<br /><br />to be continued...Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-46418882731899738792009-09-23T13:48:00.000-07:002009-09-23T13:54:04.979-07:00Today's News Headlines :<br /><br />Teen pirate girl walks the plank after boyfriend dumps her.Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-5825264771593247402009-07-01T10:34:00.001-07:002009-07-01T10:35:21.084-07:00JokeWhat did Paris Hilton say when she burnt her lips on hot coffee ?<br /><br />answer: "That's hot"Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-36300392972469886482009-05-26T13:36:00.001-07:002009-05-26T13:40:57.296-07:00Ladies firstI am a true old fashioned gentleman. When I come up to a doorway, not only do I believe in ladies first. I believe in ladies first, transgendered persons second, Homosexual men third, most feminine men fourth, and regular men dead last.Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-37848565461046630532009-05-07T15:11:00.000-07:002009-05-07T15:16:03.410-07:00I would just like to thank Mcdonalds for being so dearly charitable over the many years,and supplying all those kegs of orange colored sugar drink to all the kids soccer games. Well done !!Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-42310607988144210972009-03-12T15:53:00.001-07:002009-03-12T15:53:45.332-07:00Cabin FeverCabin fever might be annoying but at least you don't have cabin aids.Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-31543742867234154222009-03-04T13:24:00.000-08:002009-03-04T13:26:15.468-08:00Cookie MonsterYou really gotta feel bad for Cookie Monster. His whole purpose in life is to eat cookies, and he doesn't even have a throat.Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-29782934147603639652008-12-10T19:49:00.000-08:002008-12-10T19:54:06.812-08:00Dear CurlersDear Curlers,<br /><br />Why don't you just sweep the ice before you curl?Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-50948489298644544352008-11-13T16:03:00.000-08:002008-11-13T16:09:02.595-08:00RappersDoes anyone know why every rapper, ABSOLUTELY MUST , have a phone call skit on their album ? Are rappers responsible for making the household phone as popular as it is today?Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-44433520611143419282008-11-08T06:17:00.000-08:002008-11-08T06:20:12.307-08:00Diary Entries from a Baby in the WombDear diary,<br /><br />Month 9<br /><br />Holy fuck its getting hot up in this motha!!!<br /><br />- BabyAubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-70224848574730949062008-10-30T04:46:00.002-07:002008-10-30T04:51:58.695-07:00Milf HuntingAre you trying to approach that special MILF, but you feel you would look too immature ?<br />Grow a mustache and tuck in your T Shirt ! .... Why didn't you think of that ?Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-16840004430768840772008-10-21T20:18:00.000-07:002008-10-27T09:59:20.092-07:00A&W is setting the bar high with a new burgerAfter almost 90 years in the grease slangin business, A&W has recently gone leaps and bounds beyond the old, boring, immediate family burgers, they've really ventured into some uncharted grease with......... THE UNCLE BURGER!!!!!<br /><br />Here are some more hip new burger names I really think they should run with.<br /><br />The 3rd cousin who taught me how to smoke cigrits burger<br />The mom's new boyfriend who beats me burger<br />The drunk driving, womanizing, great uncle Fred burger<br />The great uncle, twice removed, Chester the molester burgerAubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-8511215007909110402008-08-17T17:21:00.000-07:002008-08-17T17:28:31.466-07:00New Ideas for Talent ShowsSo You think you Can Chug Horse Piss.<br /><br />or The x rated... so you think you can fuckAubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-14642675876953710982008-08-04T22:25:00.000-07:002008-08-04T22:31:01.822-07:00What have you<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Bumper Sticker :<br /><br /></span>Hows my driving ? Call 1 800 your mothers house<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">T shirts :<br /></span><br />The more people I meet, the more I love working overtime at the dump.<br /><br />World's alright dad when I'm not in jail.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span>Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-70312280029209099742008-08-03T13:16:00.000-07:002008-08-03T13:20:01.891-07:00Bumper Sticker IdeasMy other ride is a barstool at the legion<br /><br />My other ride is a piece of shit too<br /><br />My other ride is too rusty to pass inspectionAubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-89870498611407891922008-04-23T11:20:00.000-07:002008-04-23T11:28:54.068-07:00McDonaldsJust so you know McDonalds restaurant (The finest of Scottish cuisine), is so hungry for employees they are NOW ADVERTISING FREE UNIFORMS. If you were ever torn between working there or not, you can now rest, and make you decision a yes.Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-31064074209996557192008-04-17T07:15:00.000-07:002012-05-28T21:32:09.363-07:00Christmas QuerySo is there anybody in the world who actually likes fruit cake? <br />
<br />Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-17371521953002230792008-04-07T13:40:00.000-07:002008-04-07T14:17:48.566-07:00Letter from Camp - Week 2Dear Mom and Dad,<br /><br />Church Camp sure is swell this summer. Counsellor Gary lets me ride in his canoe, even after all the other kids go to bed. Last night Counsellor Gary let me roll his ciggarettes again. This time the tabbaco was green. Gary says that green tabbaco is play tabbaco for kids. Counsellor Gary said if i smoked some I would grow a nice big moustache just like his. He is so cool.<br /><br />Last night we paddled up the lake to Counsellor Gary's Friends house. Gary said he left a couple chainsaws, power tools, or whatever, in his friends garage. When we got to his friends house, Gary said if I went to get the power tools from the garage, he would let me paddle back to camp. Counsellor Gary said his friend was sleeping and he didnt want to wake him with the canoe. He helped me out of the canoe and into the water, to go swim to the garage. He waited in the canoe.<br /><br />When I got the chainsaws I tried swimming back to the canoe, but Gary got mad. He said I have to keep the chainsaws out of the water. He told me to swim on my back. I tried but I choked on too much water. Gary threw me some water wings and saved my life !!<br /><br />Counsellor Gary said I should do something nice for him for saving my life. He is getting me to clean the toilets and mop up the garbage juice.<br /><br />Miss you guys,<br /><br />Love Little TimmyAubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-18557492201589418782008-03-10T19:00:00.000-07:002012-05-28T21:33:49.703-07:00And the hottest new look for spring 2008 is!! ........ (drum roll)...... Smoking cigarettes while eatingAubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-33366025756780077892008-03-01T22:17:00.000-08:002008-03-01T22:23:02.607-08:00Say hello to my little friendWhen Scarface says "Say hello to my little friend", he pulls out his machine gun and shoots everyone<br /><br />When I say "Say hello to my little friend", I pull out my mastercard and say, "It's on me sweet heart."Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-10916612626309775482008-02-06T19:24:00.000-08:002008-02-06T19:26:45.282-08:00Diesel BoyI'm working in northern Alberta so I can afford to feed my baby daughter. Her name is MastercardAubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-6615310170627086222008-01-21T17:39:00.000-08:002008-01-21T17:54:53.611-08:00Hobbies to do around the houseThings to do with your kid, while they're expelled from school and you're on house arrest.<br /><br />1) Roll sagrits.<br />2) Go out in the driveway and throw rocks at birds.<br />3) Watch Jerry Springer.<br />4) Go in the smallest room in the house and hotbox it with sagrit smoke.Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-8355592134148871112008-01-18T13:53:00.000-08:002008-01-21T18:04:03.099-08:00I'm Lovin it!I recently started working at McDonalds which means I am a trainee. I'm required to wear a tag that says,"I'm new and I'm trying". So anyway, I was Moping the floor the other day, and the manager comes up to me and says, "Wow! now I've seen a lot of people mop before, but your amazing!"<br />I replied, "Why thank you sir, I was formerly a professional custodian, just down yonder of this establishment, at a cozy little restaurant known as Burger King."<br /><br />The Manager shot back,"Well I like you're attitude son. Have you ever considered being the CEO of McDonalds?"<br /><br />I replied,"why no sir, what does that position entail? Would that mean you would increase my pay as high as minimum wage?"<br /><br />On the verge of laughter the manager answered,"Lets just say CEO is a bigger pay increase than that, you would even be able to afford to won your very own vehicle, maybe even health insurance ."<br /><br />I replied,"No way sir, your kidding"<br /><br />Manager said, "No I'm not kidding son and your hired. Now come in my office and put on your new suit"<br /><br />I went in the manager's office and he grabbed the suit and handed it to me. It was one piece coveralls. I looked back at him puzzled.<br /><br />The manager smiled and said, what you didn't actually fall for the old CEO gag did you? I'm going to need you to scrub out the inside of the dumpster out back. It's gotta be spotless by noon."Aubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8107096854832731947.post-41449645856276983032008-01-07T17:33:00.000-08:002008-01-21T18:05:43.836-08:00Spice BoysGood names for an all male spice girl cover band.<br /><br />Gary Spice<br />Ron Jeremy Spice<br />King Edward The 3rd Spice<br />Jim "the Hammer" Shapiro Spice<br />Larry Barry SpiceAubscenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17798443567953377290noreply@blogger.com0