Hotel life

So I get into my hotel room after work, and I notice that the fucking maids moved my ketchup packets from the left side of the table, all the way to the right side which is bullshit. If I wanted the packets on the right I would have put them there. Then I look over at the bed and there's four fucking pillows!? Like what the fuck ? Do I look like I have 4 fucking heads ??

thinking about changing hotels.

Santa takes er Greyhound

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse, because Santa bought a bunch of mouse traps and got rid of most of them.

Meanwhile at the greyhound bus station, Santa is at the ticket booth...

Santa - " I would like a ticket for each town "

Ticket Attendant - " Excuse me sir ticket for where? Where are you going?"

Santa - "Every town I said. What do you think I just wear this stupid suit and beard for nothing ? I'm Santa for Christ sakes
I have to deliver gifts to every fucking house tonight. "

Ticket Attendant - " OK ...? Don't you have a sleigh for that ?

Santa " Do I look like I have a fucking sleigh to you?? I had a sleigh until Rudolf got piss loaded drunk last night, guided the sleigh into a telephone pole, and got
a DUI.

Ticket Attendant - " Well can't you get Donner or Blitzen to guide the sleigh tonight ?"

Santa - "Donner is the only other reindeer with a class 3 license and he knocked up some elk and ran away to Alaska."

The ticket attendant glanced past Santa and noticed his sky high pile of bags.

Ticket Attendant - " I'm sorry Mr Santa but we don't have room for all those bags on our buses."

Santa - " Listen lady do you know what it takes to make these gifts? Everyone thinks elves just work for free like on the movies, well that's bullshit. I have to feed them, house them, and listen to their annoying squeaky voices. I do all this just to give the world all free shit for no apparent reason, and now you won't let me on your bus?"

to be continued...

Today's News Headlines :

Teen pirate girl walks the plank after boyfriend dumps her.

Joke

What did Paris Hilton say when she burnt her lips on hot coffee ?

answer: "That's hot"

Ladies first

I am a true old fashioned gentleman. When I come up to a doorway, not only do I believe in ladies first. I believe in ladies first, transgendered persons second, Homosexual men third, most feminine men fourth, and regular men dead last.

I would just like to thank Mcdonalds for being so dearly charitable over the many years,and supplying all those kegs of orange colored sugar drink to all the kids soccer games. Well done !!

Cabin Fever

Cabin fever might be annoying but at least you don't have cabin aids.

Cookie Monster

You really gotta feel bad for Cookie Monster. His whole purpose in life is to eat cookies, and he doesn't even have a throat.

Dear Curlers

Dear Curlers,

Why don't you just sweep the ice before you curl?

Rappers

Does anyone know why every rapper, ABSOLUTELY MUST , have a phone call skit on their album ? Are rappers responsible for making the household phone as popular as it is today?

Diary Entries from a Baby in the Womb

Dear diary,

Month 9

Holy fuck its getting hot up in this motha!!!

- Baby

Milf Hunting

Are you trying to approach that special MILF, but you feel you would look too immature ?
Grow a mustache and tuck in your T Shirt ! .... Why didn't you think of that ?

A&W is setting the bar high with a new burger

After almost 90 years in the grease slangin business, A&W has recently gone leaps and bounds beyond the old, boring, immediate family burgers, they've really ventured into some uncharted grease with......... THE UNCLE BURGER!!!!!

Here are some more hip new burger names I really think they should run with.

The 3rd cousin who taught me how to smoke cigrits burger
The mom's new boyfriend who beats me burger
The drunk driving, womanizing, great uncle Fred burger
The great uncle, twice removed, Chester the molester burger

New Ideas for Talent Shows

So You think you Can Chug Horse Piss.

or The x rated... so you think you can fuck

What have you

Bumper Sticker :

Hows my driving ? Call 1 800 your mothers house

T shirts :

The more people I meet, the more I love working overtime at the dump.

World's alright dad when I'm not in jail.

Bumper Sticker Ideas

My other ride is a barstool at the legion

My other ride is a piece of shit too

My other ride is too rusty to pass inspection

McDonalds

Just so you know McDonalds restaurant (The finest of Scottish cuisine), is so hungry for employees they are NOW ADVERTISING FREE UNIFORMS. If you were ever torn between working there or not, you can now rest, and make you decision a yes.

Christmas Query

So is there anybody in the world who actually likes fruit cake?

Letter from Camp - Week 2

Dear Mom and Dad,

Church Camp sure is swell this summer. Counsellor Gary lets me ride in his canoe, even after all the other kids go to bed. Last night Counsellor Gary let me roll his ciggarettes again. This time the tabbaco was green. Gary says that green tabbaco is play tabbaco for kids. Counsellor Gary said if i smoked some I would grow a nice big moustache just like his. He is so cool.

Last night we paddled up the lake to Counsellor Gary's Friends house. Gary said he left a couple chainsaws, power tools, or whatever, in his friends garage. When we got to his friends house, Gary said if I went to get the power tools from the garage, he would let me paddle back to camp. Counsellor Gary said his friend was sleeping and he didnt want to wake him with the canoe. He helped me out of the canoe and into the water, to go swim to the garage. He waited in the canoe.

When I got the chainsaws I tried swimming back to the canoe, but Gary got mad. He said I have to keep the chainsaws out of the water. He told me to swim on my back. I tried but I choked on too much water. Gary threw me some water wings and saved my life !!

Counsellor Gary said I should do something nice for him for saving my life. He is getting me to clean the toilets and mop up the garbage juice.

Miss you guys,

Love Little Timmy

And the hottest new look for spring 2008 is!! ........ (drum roll)...... Smoking cigarettes while eating