Dear Curlers

Dear Curlers,

Why don't you just sweep the ice before you curl?

Rappers

Does anyone know why every rapper, ABSOLUTELY MUST , have a phone call skit on their album ? Are rappers responsible for making the household phone as popular as it is today?

Diary Entries from a Baby in the Womb

Dear diary,

Month 9

Holy fuck its getting hot up in this motha!!!

- Baby

Milf Hunting

Are you trying to approach that special MILF, but you feel you would look too immature ?
Grow a mustache and tuck in your T Shirt ! .... Why didn't you think of that ?

A&W is setting the bar high with a new burger

After almost 90 years in the grease slangin business, A&W has recently gone leaps and bounds beyond the old, boring, immediate family burgers, they've really ventured into some uncharted grease with......... THE UNCLE BURGER!!!!!

Here are some more hip new burger names I really think they should run with.

The 3rd cousin who taught me how to smoke cigrits burger
The mom's new boyfriend who beats me burger
The drunk driving, womanizing, great uncle Fred burger
The great uncle, twice removed, Chester the molester burger

New Ideas for Talent Shows

So You think you Can Chug Horse Piss.

or The x rated... so you think you can fuck

What have you

Bumper Sticker :

Hows my driving ? Call 1 800 your mothers house

T shirts :

The more people I meet, the more I love working overtime at the dump.

World's alright dad when I'm not in jail.

Bumper Sticker Ideas

My other ride is a barstool at the legion

My other ride is a piece of shit too

My other ride is too rusty to pass inspection

McDonalds

Just so you know McDonalds restaurant (The finest of Scottish cuisine), is so hungry for employees they are NOW ADVERTISING FREE UNIFORMS. If you were ever torn between working there or not, you can now rest, and make you decision a yes.

Christmas Query

So is there anybody in the world who actually likes fruit cake?

Letter from Camp - Week 2

Dear Mom and Dad,

Church Camp sure is swell this summer. Counsellor Gary lets me ride in his canoe, even after all the other kids go to bed. Last night Counsellor Gary let me roll his ciggarettes again. This time the tabbaco was green. Gary says that green tabbaco is play tabbaco for kids. Counsellor Gary said if i smoked some I would grow a nice big moustache just like his. He is so cool.

Last night we paddled up the lake to Counsellor Gary's Friends house. Gary said he left a couple chainsaws, power tools, or whatever, in his friends garage. When we got to his friends house, Gary said if I went to get the power tools from the garage, he would let me paddle back to camp. Counsellor Gary said his friend was sleeping and he didnt want to wake him with the canoe. He helped me out of the canoe and into the water, to go swim to the garage. He waited in the canoe.

When I got the chainsaws I tried swimming back to the canoe, but Gary got mad. He said I have to keep the chainsaws out of the water. He told me to swim on my back. I tried but I choked on too much water. Gary threw me some water wings and saved my life !!

Counsellor Gary said I should do something nice for him for saving my life. He is getting me to clean the toilets and mop up the garbage juice.

Miss you guys,

Love Little Timmy

And the hottest new look for spring 2008 is!! ........ (drum roll)...... Smoking cigarettes while eating

Say hello to my little friend

When Scarface says "Say hello to my little friend", he pulls out his machine gun and shoots everyone

When I say "Say hello to my little friend", I pull out my mastercard and say, "It's on me sweet heart."

Diesel Boy

I'm working in northern Alberta so I can afford to feed my baby daughter. Her name is Mastercard

Hobbies to do around the house

Things to do with your kid, while they're expelled from school and you're on house arrest.

1) Roll sagrits.
2) Go out in the driveway and throw rocks at birds.
3) Watch Jerry Springer.
4) Go in the smallest room in the house and hotbox it with sagrit smoke.

I'm Lovin it!

I recently started working at McDonalds which means I am a trainee. I'm required to wear a tag that says,"I'm new and I'm trying". So anyway, I was Moping the floor the other day, and the manager comes up to me and says, "Wow! now I've seen a lot of people mop before, but your amazing!"
I replied, "Why thank you sir, I was formerly a professional custodian, just down yonder of this establishment, at a cozy little restaurant known as Burger King."

The Manager shot back,"Well I like you're attitude son. Have you ever considered being the CEO of McDonalds?"

I replied,"why no sir, what does that position entail? Would that mean you would increase my pay as high as minimum wage?"

On the verge of laughter the manager answered,"Lets just say CEO is a bigger pay increase than that, you would even be able to afford to won your very own vehicle, maybe even health insurance ."

I replied,"No way sir, your kidding"

Manager said, "No I'm not kidding son and your hired. Now come in my office and put on your new suit"

I went in the manager's office and he grabbed the suit and handed it to me. It was one piece coveralls. I looked back at him puzzled.

The manager smiled and said, what you didn't actually fall for the old CEO gag did you? I'm going to need you to scrub out the inside of the dumpster out back. It's gotta be spotless by noon."

Spice Boys

Good names for an all male spice girl cover band.

Gary Spice
Ron Jeremy Spice
King Edward The 3rd Spice
Jim "the Hammer" Shapiro Spice
Larry Barry Spice