Things you shouldn't say while at confessions

1) Please forgive me Father for I have sinned. I took a major draft dump in the church bathroom, clogged it, and now its overflowing.

2)Please forgive me Father for I have sinned. I was so fucking hung over I drank all your holy water.

3)Please forgive me Father for I have sinned. During communion I found the body of Christ so bland that I ordered a pizza.

Best Sub to get at Subway

Footlong white, just ham, no condiments.

Quote of the Year

"Knome sayin?"

- that rapper guy

Gender Jokes

Men are like blenders. They're easy to turn on but sometimes they make a
mess.

Men are like bad haircuts they look real stupid, but then they grow on you.

Men are like blue jeans, it's hard to find the perfect fit, and when you do they're full of shit stains.

Why are house cats better than women? Cause a house cat doesn't yap in my fucking ear all night.

How is a rock smarter than a man? Cause they'd rather live outside by themselves then listen to a fucking woman yappin in thier ear 24 7.

Why are men like stray dogs? They only come back for food and to piss on the floor when they're drunk.

Why can't women drive a stick shift? Cause every time their hand touches it they have to put their mouth on it too.

Top 5 Ice Breaker topics for meeting new people

1) Someone's relative, no matter how distant, who is making a lot of money in Fort Mcmurray.

2) The amount of jobs in Fort Mcmurray.

3) About how Fort Mcmurray is where the money's at.

4) Getting a trade and moving to Fort Mcmurray.

5) The property value in Fort Mcmurray.

One Liner t shirts that should be made

I'm not a millionaire , but I'm a thousandaire, well only on payday, and only if I get a lot of over-time.

I'm with geneos (with the arrow pointing at myself)

Come on kids, eat your chips or you ain't getting no smokes.

If dont get my Timmy's in the morning, I'll beat my wife

World's mediocre dad , when I'm sober.

Bad Ideas for Facebook Group Names

The "I've had sex with tones of prostitutes group."

The "I'm a fugative running from the law group."

The "Where can I hook up some good drugs group"

The 'Who wants to buy some crack from me? group"

The "I'm too stupid to think of another name for a group, group."

The "group for facebook group enthusiasts"

"Thats Hot"

Paris Hilton, world renowned genius, famous for being famous, has generated mainstream gossip with her catch phrase, "thats hot".

What I'm gonna do is see if I can jump start my popularity, with the following catch phrases I've invented from scratch.

"thats neat"
"thats fun"
"have fun"
" lets go"

Joining the NHL

Well this summer I got really good on them roller blading skates. I could even run around backwards on em, like I'm talking the whole nine yards here. So I decided I was gonna join the NHL. So I needed a nice pair of them ice skates, so I find out a nice pair of nikey skates or something are atleast 250$, otherwise they are just gonna laugh at me. So I quit drinking for the weekend and saved up 250$ for get a nice pair of nikey skates. So here I am driving to buy skates and the fucking clutch goes on my chevette , well fuck I said, here we go. So its either get the skates and join the NHL, or fix my car. Well I said fuck it, left the car, and hoped a cab. Got down to Maple Leaf Gardens. I walk in the door and find out they don't even have no gear, no pads, no nothing. So now I'm just saying fuck it. I told them I'd go out on fucking ice anyway. Those fuckers looked at me like I had 4 heads and asked what farm team I played for. Well I fucking gave it right to em, I told em, farm team!!?I hold the fucking worlds strawberry picking record east of the bay of fundy, 97 flats in 2 hours. They told me to leave , and jesus christ, I went into a blind rage. I plowed Paul Maurice's right teeth out his head. Took 3 black coffees from the machine and stormed out the building.

Dear Mom and Dad church camp is tones of fun. Counsellor Gary is very nice. Yesterday he let me roll his ciggarettes all day in one of the cabins. He said don't tell anyone because they would get all jealous. At the end of the day he even let me smoke one. It was fun at first it felt like a roller coaster, then i got dizzy and puked, but counsellor Gary said thats only cause it was my first smoke. Me and counsellor Gary went for a fun ride in his car. We went to a house where Gary said he left his tv in the living room. The door woudn't open so Gary gave me a boost up to one of the windows. I climbed in and went to get the tv for Gary. I couldnt lift the tv, so Gary got a little mad. It was ok though, he said just grab the playstation.
When we got back to camp Gary gave me a pop that smelled like grand dad. Then I got really tired and laughed a lot. Gary drank a lot of pop then we went for a ride in one of the canoes. Counsellor Gary started napping in the canoe. I got bored so i hopped out and swam back to camp. I hope cousellor Gary comes back soon.

see you soon
love Little Timmy

Best Things To Do With a Welfare Cheque

try your luck on the vlts

buy a carton of smokes for the kids, and just bum smokes off them.

buy 50 to 100 scratch tickets

chain smoke

buy a bulk box of kraft dinner

take the kids out to mcdonalds

Top Best University Dorm Room Posters

1) The green alien pointing poster, that says "take me to your dealer"

2) The warning sign with the person crawling that says, "student crossing"

3) The canadian drinking team one.

4) Something with Bob Marley

5) Something with Dave Matthews

Quotes to live by

New York Rapper, Mims, really hit the nail on the head with this earth shattering quote from one of his catchy choruses,"this is why im hot , im hot cause im fly, and you ain't cause you not."

Quotes to Live by

The great, wise, poet/song writer, 50 CENT once stated," If you live in a glass house then don't throw rocks, and if you got a glass jaw you better watch your mouth, cause I'll break your face!!!"

Interests of the day include

shirts that go down to my ankles

over sized yankee hats

hats with the size sticker left on them.